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Can Marriage Ruin a
Perfectly Good Relationship?
10/25/2010
A dear wise old man once told me he truly loved all his five wives, but he kept ruining those perfectly good relationships by getting married. He certainly advised against it. The good news is that his fifth marriage lasted for the rest of his life. He finally got it right in his seventies.
What about marriages changes relationships? If we skip the big party we tend to attach to weddings, we can legally get married easier than we can adopt a pet from the pound or get a drivers license. The only reasonable answer is that expectations change. “They got married and lived happily ever after” is an American myth. The work truly begins with marriage. Do we have a commitment to live as one? Which one? Is this a contest to see who's way is the right one?
Does anyone not have a different definition of husband and wife from boyfriend and girlfriend? Couples forget to discuss their expectations. Most people have no idea of what the other half has in mind.
Do we have a commitment to live as one? Which one? Is this a contest to see who's way is the right one? What about sickness and in health? It is a big deal to take care of someone sick. Until
death do us part is a a very long time. Human being, by nature, want to pair off and be part of a couple. We really need to like the person we will wake up to every morning. We want the commitment and someone watching our back no matter what happens. How is this possible?
It is important each others definition. More importantly, knowing you partner. The qualities you desire will not just appear after a ceremony. If they do not have what it takes before, they are highly unlikely to develop these qualities later. We can learn the skills of communication and problem resolution. Success involves compromise. The new whole is bigger than its parts. Expanding is always hard work.
Love is not enough, but it sure helps. Marriage requires friendship, commitment, flexibility, responsibility, and a sense of humor.
Posted By: Dr. Susan Jacob Ph. D.
Couples Communication:
"He won't tell me anything."
"She tells me everything."
10/13/2010
Your wife or girlfriend may be mad at you for not telling her about your problems. She may tell you so many problems that you don't know what to do. Men and women have a different perception of how to solve a problem. The difference can cause many fights and an endless amount of hurt feelings.
Women tend to figure out how to solve a problem or how to feel better about a problem by talking about it. Women are often working out solutions and feeling relief while they are venting. She may not be interested in suggestions from the person she is sharing her problem with. She may become annoyed or insulted if a man suggests a solution. If she is seeking advice she will typically ask what you think. It would be highly unlikely that she is expecting you to fix her problem. If she needs your help, she will tell you. "Can you help me, my car is not working". If what she wants is unclear, ask her, "Can I help you in anyway." The most probable answer is "no I just wanted to tell you about this situation, thanks for listening". She is telling her husband or boyfriend her problem because she loves and trusts him to be interested. She assumes you would want to hear about her problems. She certainly wants to hear about his.
Men tend to try and resolve their problems privately. They may not feel better by telling their wife or girlfriend their problem. They may think that telling you will create another problem. Why would he worry you? He certainly does not want you to handle his problem. All he needs is for you to think he is some kind of loser who cant handle his own problems. If he shares his problem, it is usually a last resort and he will ask an expert. If his car brakes down he may take it to a good mechanic. It is unlikely it would occur to him to tell you his broke down as you are not a mechanic. Men are often not telling their wives or girlfriends what is going on because he does not love or trust them...he is not sharing because he does love them. He can't imagine his wife or girlfriend would want to hear about his problem.
Women are often deeply hurt that they are not someone their husband or boyfriend wants to "talk to". She may very well wonder if you are not talking to her, then who are you talking to? It is an emotionally foreign concept that you are not talking to anyone about your problems. You simply don't see the point of talking about a problem.
Men are often very confused of why their wife or girlfriend is telling him problems. He will assume that she sees hims as the expert and he may experience anxiety trying to figure out how he can actually be the expert. She tells him that she just got the worst haircut in her life. Is he expected to by her a hat? Is this hairdresser a guy? Is he supposed to hit him or something?
For men, the concept that just listening and reassuring her that she is always beautiful may seem worthless. How does that help her hair? For women, she wants to know how you feel about your haircut. I he thinks the barber is an idiot who screwed up his hair, why would he not not her so she could help him feel better? She wants to tell him he looks great to her.
Men are not likely to ever understand what good listening is. It does help him to memorize what he is supposed to say. "I am sorry that happened honey" Women in turn may not get why men don't tell them their problems so they can feel better. It does help for women to know what men are not sharing problems to protect them.
Who knows why men and women are designed differently. It does help to know that they are perceiving things differently. The goal is not to make the difference into a problem.
Posted By: Dr. Susan Jacob Ph. D.
Couples Communication:
Relationship Anger
10/13/2010
We feel the strongest emotion about the people we love. The power of love includes the power to hurt one another. The last thing we want to do is hurt the one we love. Give your anger some thought. Start with giving the person you love the benefit of the doubt. They are not likely to be trying to hurt you or make you mad.
Try to understand your own anger before you share it. Respecting and understanding your own feelings require you to be calm. You will regret what you say or do in anger. No couple ever resolved a problem while they were pumped up with anger. Resist the urge to confront anyone when you are worked up. It is extremely important to avoid confronting someone who is very angry. Let your partner know you would like to talk to them. Pick a good time.
Where did your anger come from? Is your anger really over flow from something or someone else? It is O.K. if it is as long as you tell your partner. "I just had a bad day, so I am cranky." "This issue is a sore spot with me because my mother always did that when I was a kid."
Is your anger rational? Are you placing meaning on an action that could have another meaning? We all attach our own meaning to other's behavior. "I know he has no respect for me because he leaves his mess for me to clean up." She does think I do anything at work all day, she wants me to come right home and take the kids." When we think we know what others are thinking, we are really just guessing and always mistaken. All of us have bad habits that are not intended to upset others. The habits started before they knew you. Your partner did not develop the habit to annoy you. What if the behavior is not something they do to you, but something they just do.
Anger generally indicates that we want something to change. We need to be calm to figure out what exactly we would like to change. It is important to have a suggestion in mind. "I worry when you are late. I would really like it if you called me to let me know you are going to be late." "I need a few minutes to change gears from work to parent."
Remember the habits are hard to change even with the best intentions. Reward what you like. "Thanks for remembering to call." We all try harder when we get a little praise. When we assume good intensions, we are much more tolerant.
Pick only things that truly matter to you to work on. Change is difficult for everyone. Most of us have several things that we have been meaning to change about ourselves for years. If our loved one's bad habits are not intended to upset us, we may decide we are not really angry. Humor helps
Don't we all want someone who finds our habits endearing?
Posted By: Dr. Susan Jacob Ph. D.
Couples Communication:
How to disagree without fighting.
10/11/2010
Every good couple will disagree about a wide variety of subjects. Follow a few rules and you have a good chance of being heard and your opinion respected.
Consider taking an attitude where you each have a right to your perspective, and that on some subjects, you will agreee to disagree.
Express yourself with "I statements" such as "I see it that way, I feel strongly about this, or I am upset about..."
Make sure you have heard each others perspective before you share yours. "Let me make sure I understand you feel strongly about...?" focus on understanding one another. Who knows, you may already agree more than you knew.
Stay with only one topic at a time. Limit your examples, saying too much can cause the other person to loose attention.
If you feel yourself getting angry, take a few minutes to calm down. "I am getting upset, I am going to get some water and calm down so we can continue calmly."
Avoid selling your perspective, focus on understanding your partners perspective, even if you disagree.
Once you are each clear on where your partner stand on the topic, agree to think about the others viewpoint and talk again tomorrow.
Tomorrow, with mutal understanding, you may find compromise. You may need to agree to disagree. Understanding how the person you love thinks and feels may be more important than the subject.
Posted By: Dr. Susan Jacob Ph. D.
Couples Communication:
The #1 problem and how to solve it.
10/11/2010
The common problem that causes couples communication to turn to frustration and anger is usually a style of speaking that sounds as if one partner is a “Critical Parent” talking to a “Misbehaving Child”. When your partner hears you lecturing him or her, or adopting a critical tone of voice they take offense. The partner who is in the role of the child communication will be triggered to respond just as a defensive child might. The child response encourages more parent comments and the cycle goes on and on. Feelings are hurt and solutions rarely occur.
Many couples take turns communicating in the role of Parent. When it comes to housework one partner may believe the other needs to learn a thing or two. Money may be a different topic that the other partner lectures about. The topics that one or the other may decide they are the expert on have endless possibilities.
The difficulty is that a parent-child style of communication has no place in a couple’s relationship. Who wants to be married to their child or their parent? Lets hope very few. So how do you get through to your partner when you want them to know how you want things done?
Clearly couples can learn from one another. Two heads are better than one. First consider your attitude. Can you accept that your partner has a different way of doing things and may see no need to adopt your way? If you communicate with an attitude of adult to adult you have the added value of respect.
Consider simply sharing your view one adult to another.
“It really could save me a lot of time doing laundry if it was all in the hamper.”
“What do you think about setting up a budget so we don’t worry so much about bills?
Listen to yourself and see if you notice the role you take in communicating. You can learn to communicate as an adult regardless of how your partner sounds. Two adults are better than one. It takes practice to change a habit. Healthy communication has rewards in every area of your relationship.
Posted By: Dr. Susan Jacob Ph. D.
If you would like help, please call me,
(949) 855-5022
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